Posts Tagged ‘Pain’

This is a poem from a good friend of mine below. I hope you all enjoy, and I will gladly pass comments on to her (she’s shy.)

The Gray child is here , my emptiness, my nothing , my death. She is the one who says nothing at all. She is everything and nothing all at once. She looks just like me though she is hollow inside. The Gray child surrounds me She has no name, her shape and form are mine. With her I forget everything as we watch the world fall away.

The Red child is here, my rage, my jealousy, my passion. She is the one who screams. She is the judge though rarely fair. The Red child takes my thoughts twisting them till they resemble her own, and with her I scream too.

The Dark child is here, my sadness , my anger, my hurt. She is the one who whispers over my shoulder. She is the executioner though carries no blade, she looks just like me though there is no laughter in her smile. The dark child always walks beside me, she takes my hand guiding me deeper into myself letting her poison seep under my skin. She has no name, no shape , no form, she just simply is. The Dark child takes my sight and eats my words, with her I walk in silence and blind to all, there is only us now.

I arrive home and everything is dark…

I open the door and feel blood in my throat,

I see broken things littering the floor,

Some of it nothing, some of it pieces of my heart…

 

My skin crawls as I see words written angrily on the wall,

My heart starts to pound, I cannot breathe,

Out of nowhere the shadow envelops me,

And I am cast with a crack to the ground…

 

What was my imagined sin today?

Did you find evidence of my supposed treason?

Did I step on the wrong shell again,

Am I about to bleed for no reason?

 

The world fades away and I awake to pain,

Confusion, hysteria and cold tile greet me as I rise,

Things pop, and hiss, and give way as I get to my feet,

I can’t breathe right, and I smell rotten meat…

 

I will find the monster smiling in his sleep,

No doubt dreaming of braining me with logs,

But his somnic state will be his undoing,

And he wakes to the sounds of dogs,

Hungry, and primitive…

 

The dogs wake him with barbed penises,

Skewering him on a slavering Rottweiler,

They take their own version of justice for me,

Rending him and violating him to assert their dominance…

 

He screams…

And I erupt with the laughter of a thousand former victims,

The chorus is so loud it makes his ears bleed,

The voices attack his brain without relent,

Cooking it inside its ivory bowl…

 

He turns blue, and grows very still, very cold,

He will not wake in the morning, but the dogs are sated,

They’re prepared now to return their desolate home,

To sleep until they are again needed…

Little monster in the corner,

Eating my bones and meat,

Will you at least let me,

Sit before you chew off my feet?

You bark and shiver,

So small and pathetic,

And yet your talons,

Render me catatonic…

Little red beast always chewing on me,

I beg of you let me keep my eyes,

What better way to let me see,

You cutting me down to size…?

Little black monster please go away,

I’m tired and sore from our endless war,

And I’m not in the mood to play again today,

I don’t have the strength to lift my sword anymore…

You’ll always win and I’ll always bleed,

I’ll always snarl at the way you cheated,

And you’ll continue to just serve your own needs,

Laughing at seeing my finally defeated…

But what you’ll never understand is,

I may be beaten, bloodied, and made to cry,

But I will smile, and without you knowing, I still realize,

I didn’t survive that battle just to die…

Piece of Meat

Posted: December 31, 2013 in Poetry
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The sun burns out one last time,

And I’m cold on the barren ground,

Things skitter in the shadows,

Thousands of old feet begin to pound…

The ground shakes just like,

The traitorous piece of meat inside my ribs,

Screams issue forth without restraint,

It’s only as I die that I realize they’re mine…

I can feel its talons rake over me,

And for once my feet will not obey,

My blood boils from deep inside me,

I’ve lost the right to control my own DNA…

You’ve known my name since the beginning,

And all my wars were fought in foolish vanity,

With every step I thought I rose quickly,

Never seeing the ground crumble under my feet…

Thunder cracks and I smile as my eyes go milky white,

I can’t see the end of the brambles you’ve lain, devil,

But I’ll continue to slice myself to shreds in my fight,

To go out with a fist in your eternal eye, devil…

In the end I will crack like weathered stone,

A victim of my own pride and growl,

Never really knowing if I was free or owned,

But at least I won’t go out with a crawl…

Stay With Me…

Posted: December 8, 2013 in Poetry
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Stay with me,

Don’t go away,

I know it’s not up to you,

But I don’t know what else to say…

 

My hands can feel your skin,

And my eyes can see your face,

Yet you couldn’t be farther away,

Long gone, while stuck firmly in place…

 

I’ll be here when you wake,

I wait, heart pounding, for your eyes,

I smile and hide my cardiac shake,

And wait for you to fully realize,

The world as you once knew it…

 

The scene will always be the same,

Panic would be too unseemly, and too vain,

Instead I reach out and just remain strong,

This isn’t my pain, this isn’t my song…

 

I would kill it if I could,

I’d rend it limb from limb,

I’d eat it in the bushes,

And wait for it to kick in,

If only to set you free…

 

Please always come back to me,

If only to be selfish for a moment,

I need it for my sanity,

I need it so I can breathe…

The Whale and the Pain

Posted: December 2, 2013 in Poetry
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The whale will stare at me sadly,

Seeing the pain I cannot express,

Its eyes far too wide and bright,

Seeing through the smile to the distress…

 

They speak out in shades of ocean blue,

Soothing my storm from the outside in,

They ask, “What’s wrong with you,

So dire you don’t even know where to begin?”

 

I can’t answer them, I can’t find the words.

Too much noise, too much noise, too much noise…

Lost inside their graceful herds,

Their songs drown out my response…

 

Like a swarm they circle me,

Pushing me up from the depths,

High above the froth they breach me,

To where my words can make sense…

 

Up high among the clouds,

A thousand eyes press with question,

Forcing me to scream out loud,

My guarded answer to their questions…

 

“I’m afraid!” I roar after taking a gasping breath,

Then back into the blue we plunge,

Where tears melt freely into the sea,

They give a shove, and back into the waking world I emerge,

I wonder if they also miss me…

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(Photo Courtesy of Trisha @ You Know You Have EDS When on Facebook!)

She wakes quickly, though not startled, she goes from sleep to awake amazingly fast. She didn’t move for a long moment, enjoying the still silence. She takes a deep breath and rolls slowly to the left, feeling her sacroiliac joint slide askew as she got to her feet with a hitch. Her hip socket decided to joint into the party, and gave a sickening, staccato snap as she attempted her first step. She pulled on her jeans, and her shoulders and the ribs in her chest all snapped in rhythm. Her neck ached, so she tossed it from side to side to crack it, both sides producing a terrifying tattoo that more resembled a machine gun than any sort of drum. Every single crack hurt, the louder the snap, the more painful the aftermath.

She takes a deep breath, heading for the door after leashing up the dog, serenaded by a series of cracks and clicks courtesy of her spine on the way down to secure her furry friend. She opens the door, managing not to falter when it feels like her heart stops for a moment and her head feels too damned light to still be attached, it’s intensity rivaled only by its briefness. On she walks with the little dog, and every step brings a grinding sensation to her left hip. Grinding in the groin, grinding in the hip socket, and sometimes grinding at the knee as well, but thankfully not so far today. It was sharp today, instead of hot and achy. It threatened to give out on her. She looked down at her pup and felt her neck vertebrae slide around uncomfortably.

She hurried up with the dog, working with her limp instead of against it, and returned home. She unlatched the dog to more pops and snaps, then removed her shoes. She stood still for a second, and with a complete absence of dizziness, she tipped to the left, ramming her shoulder into the wall and out of socket. It slid back into place as she stood up with a loud ‘thunk’ sound. A series of bizarre feeling muscle spasms danced under the skin behind her calf muscles, looking like someone twiddling fingers under her skin. She sat, feeling another snap in the left hip, followed by a softer one in the right hip when she adjusted herself in her chair. She began to use the computer, ignoring the goose bumps that danced in stripes and patches along her arms, legs, and scalp.

Frowning, and suddenly urgently having to use the bathroom, she stood too quickly, and her sacroiliac joint gave out for good, causing her to falter, almost hitting the floor before regaining control of her hip. She righted herself, and continued walking to the privacy of the bathroom. Upon return from the bathroom, she felt a snapping sensation in her left thigh. It hurt, and made a full stride tricky, but didn’t slow her down. She returned to her seat. The next time she went outside, she’d have to alter her stride to hide it. She knew all too well that human vultures loved to pick on the wounded, so she fostered the image that she was just fine.

The world didn’t get to see the cracks in her skull, the decay in her entire spine, in her hip, and wrists, and every finger. The world didn’t see the random attacks of too much acid in her stomach that felt like she was going to die any second, or when it felt like her body slid forward four feet in forward in .0 seconds flat. The world didn’t know her leg muscles would randomly tighten, making it hard to move her not obviously injured left leg. It didn’t know that she often hear music in another room, sometimes in her room, that just wasn’t there (or that this fact didn’t mean she was crazy.)  It didn’t know that sometimes it felt like an elephant was standing royally on her right cheekbone, or that her spine was slowly being strangled by decaying and hyper mobile vertebrae. It didn’t see her list like a damaged ship for no earthly reason at all…

It didn’t see that she wore all of this under her smile, it only noticed her occasional dysfunctional ambulation when it got the better of her. It didn’t see the snarling gargoyle riding her, its feet planted firmly in her lower spine, holding fast to reigns tied about her shoulders, jerking them cruelly out of place at the slightest offence. It didn’t see the crawling demons that lived under her skin, skittering and making her writhe uncomfortably when she hurt too much in the middle of the night. Restless body syndrome is what it should really be called.

It was all invisible, thus the world couldn’t, and wouldn’t, bother to see beyond the smile. It would be cruel, judging, and unkind to those who looked fine but carried massive, swarming, black burdens under velvet skin. It wouldn’t hear of the aches housed in the pressure fractured porcelain, not when its shine was so beguiling. No…there could be no flaws in there, all seems well from here!! It’s all in your pretty little head, pixie girl! I hear the hoof beats, so there must be horses here!

But I am not a horse. My hoof beats signal the striped flesh of the zebra. What’s the difference?

Zebras keep running, even on broken legs…